What's More Depressing Than Anti-Depressants?

If you've ever taken anti-depressants, then you probably know how depressing they can be to take on either a long-term and/or short-term basis.  The side effects alone can be devastating enough to make you want to quit taking them.  I love when you see a commercial for any medication where the list of side effects goes on for over half of the total commercial time.  And a lot of times 'death' is on the list.  Well, I guess if you check with your doctor first, you might be okay.  Whaaaa?

To me, there's nothing worse than having sexual side effects from an anti-depressant. What is more depressing than this?  Nausea?  No.  Dizziness?  Nope.  Being in a fog?  Not really.  Zombie-like state?  Don't mind that one too much.  Sexual dysfunction?  Wait.... what???  Are you f#ucking kidding me?  If we have only one, small ounce of joy in our lives, even if for a brief 10 seconds, would it not be SEX?

Apparently several years ago I was on such a medication and quite fed up.  Previously to this, I was encouraged to start writing poetry as a method of therapy.  I guess I did just that and this poem I wrote about my 'dysfunction' is what I would call pretty straightforward.  It's called "Pills and Orgasms".  It's humourous to me now.  Not so much then.  And today is your lucky day as I am sharing it with you.  I should have sent it to my doctor and told him it was part of my therapy plan.  :)

pills and orgasms
they just don't mix
doctor says come on, take 'em bitch
and get your fix

but, you see, doc
my fix is bliss
that cums from hot sex
and a wet sloppy kiss

i took the pills
just like he said
i went down on my man
and gave him some head
 

he then turned on me
and boy i was ready
i said, yeah baby, just like that
slow, nice and steady
 

we tried for hours
and much to my dismay
no orgasms for me
so maybe another day

i went back to the doc
he said, sorry, that's the game
i want a different pill, i said
one with a different name
 

he said they are all alike
no matter what you do
i said, forget it, asshole
'cuz if i can't cum
i'd rather be blue

july 12, 2007

How to be a Jackass in an Online Class: Lesson One

I've been taking online classes for quite some time now in trying to finish my degree that I started in 1994 (yes, I said 1994, not 2004 - not that one sounds any better than the other) and although it is a very convenient way to take college courses, I much prefer a real classroom setting.  However, due to circumstances unbeknownst to me, I have had no choice but to finish my last year taking ALL online classes.

Nothing gives me a headache rebekache more than someone being a jackass, especially in college.   This is a place you'd think people are supposed to be somewhat smart, right?  Wrong.  Unfortunately, participating in an online class is no different.  If you are of the twisted-minded type who enjoys f#ucking with others, I am about to show you a surefire way on how to drive your online classmates insane.

Lesson One

Some professors hold web cam classes.  Some professors prefer to hold chat only classes.  Some will do a combination of both.  The easiest way to be a jackass in an online class is to have internet problems.  There's always at least one in every class and they are usually the biggest jackasses of all.  Let me demonstrate why.

Here is how this scenario might play out:

Professor is giving lecture...

JACKASS HAS (RE)ENTERED CHAT

Professor:  "If you take x and shove it up y's ass, you can then take the sum of these, multiply by 3 and...."

Jackass:  "I'm sorry everyone!  I'm having internet trouble tonight and got booted off!!!!  Did I miss anything important?"

Random classmate 1:  "Oh that's okay, that happens to me all the time!"

Random classmate 2: "OMG!  Me too!  I am so sick of this!  Must be a full moon!!!"

Random classmate 1:  "I know, right?"

Jackass:  "Me three!  This is the second class this has happened in tonight!"

Professor:  "That's okay, 'Jackass'.  We were just discussing how to take x and what happens when you shove it up y's ass, but I always record these sessions, so you can go back and listen to it later."

Jackass: "Oh, okay.  I will do that, thanks."

By this time, 5-7 minutes of an hour-a-week class has been officially wasted because 'jackass' got everyone to discuss their internet issues, the cycle of the moon and how they are all in agreement with one another about it.

Also, "Jackass" in this scenario doesn't seem to remember that the professor has told the class at least 982,983,492,834 times before this that he/she ALWAYS records every class session (not to mention the BIG red button located in the upper right hand corner of the screen that says, 'THIS CLASS MEETING IS BEING RECORDED').

Obviously we have several jackasses and dynamics that come into play here, but it is very reasonable to say that if the original jackass just came back in quietly and didn't say anything, the class would have continued with no interruptions.

*side note*  I love when someone asks if they have missed anything "important".  WTF?  The entire hour of class is important.  That's why the professor is giving the lecture.  Idiots.  Seriously.  

So that leads us to the five steps in Lesson One of How to be a Jackass in an Online Class.

1.  Go offline, come back online, and let everyone know that you went offline due to internet issues and that you are now officially back online.

2.  Apologize for Step 1.

3.  Ask if you "missed anything important" while you were offline, because why would anything being taught in your online class be important?

4.  Get others to talk about the moon cycle as well as having their own internet issues.

5.  Repeat several times during class to be an extra big jackass.

For Lesson Two, I will discuss how to be a jackass in your
 online class by using :)'s and txt spk. 

Let's Take Christ Out of Christmas

I'm a grinch.  I'm a scrooge.  And here's why.  I say we take the Christ out of Christmas once and for all.  I love watching (c)hristians begin to profusely sweat because heathens are suing cities for having nativity scenes in public places.  One of my other favourites is watching them try to protest stores that say "happy holidays" instead of "merry christmas".  I don't see why it matters.  Holidays/Christmas are neither happy nor merry.

I read a story from 'black friday 2012' where two people were shot in Tallahassee, Florida.  The gist was as follows: "two couples were arguing and one of the men stared firing, before fleeing the scene in his car."  I think I have made my point.  The 'Christ in Christmas' has been taken out a long time ago.  I believe someone was shot last year as well.  This wasn't an isolated incident. Crazy Americans and their guns or is it simply crazy Americans and Christmas or is it just crazy Americans?  These are questions I ponder on a regular basis, but I digress.

Anyway, I will take back EVERYTHING I just said if someone buys me the tree below.  I will even put a nativity scene under it if you can find me a purple Jesus to go with it! Gawd do I love purple and I would even consider keeping this up all year long.

Oh and feel free to purchase anything from The Purple Store for me to celebrate winter solstice 2012 since I don't celebrate "_mas".  It so happens that winter solstice is also doomsday (again), which means you won't have to pay the bill anyway!

Also, I'd like to go out with a 'bang' if you know what I mean and what better way than with a pair of Purple Go-Go Boots.

Top 10 Songs I'm Ashamed to Love

I was reading one of my newfound blogs the other day, Adventures in Estrogen, and there was a post written called "Top 10 Movies I'm Ashamed to Love".  I was going to do a version of my own list, but I was in the mood for music tonight, so I decided to go with a list of Top 10 Songs instead.  I’m starting with the least shameful to most shameful.  I think.  I guess you can tell me after you read through them.  Here goes:

10.  I Was Made For Dancin' – Leif Garrett
Mr. Garrett sang “Give In” on an episode of CHiPs.  My 9-year-old heart, soul and body were his forever after that (don’t judge me!), but "I Was Made For Dancin'" was my favourite song he sang.  You will also be happy to learn that this is the only disco song I’m going to put in my top 10 because in all seriousness, I could easily come up with a top 10 disco list and I don’t think anyone wants that.

  Surely anyone can see why I instantly fell in love with Leif that night in 1979.

9.  I Want It That Way – The Backstreet Boys
There may be some who could argue that this is indeed a great song.  The problem occurs when you come to realize that I was in my late (really late) 20s when it was released and regularly cranked it driving in my minivan.

8.  Funky Cold Medina – Tone Loc
“I don’t fool around with no Oscar Meyer wiener.  You must be sure that the girl is pure for the Funky Cold Medina."   I mean it was a big old mess when Sheena got undressed.  It’s kind of funny it got that far and I love the cowbell in that song, plus there’s dog humping.

7.  Merry Christmas Darling – The Carpenters
Sentimental value.  Shut your pie holes.

6.  Ice Ice Baby – Vanilla Ice
I have no explanation.  I actually went to his concert in 1990 with my friend (we were 20 at the time) and we felt like two jackasses when we realized everyone there were either 12 or that 12-year-old’s parent.  HAWT!

5.  Leave (Get Out) – Jojo
Good workout song?  That’s all I’ve got.  I feel so creepy liking this one.  Really. 

4.  How You Remind Me – Nickelback
In my defense, it was their first hit.  I had no idea ALL their other songs were going to sound exactly the same.  I still like it though.  

3.  Karma Chameleon – Culture Club
It’s catchy and odd and I can’t stop staring at Boy George.

2.  Lovin’ You – Minnie Riperton
There was a visa commercial a few years ago that destroyed this song for me because I loved it long before that, but it’s embarrassing and no one will ever put up with me listening to this song in the car, so I'm on my own with this one.  How the f#uck does she hit that high note?  It leaves me stupefied.  

 This is a different commercial, but same song / same idea.  It's a crime!

1.  My Heart Will Go On – Celine Dion
This pains me to write this as my number one (or at all).  If anyone knows me, they will know how embarrassing this is, but this song grabs my heartstrings and runs with them.  I cry every time I hear it.  I just try not to listen to it if I can help it.  I loathe Celine Dion.  LOATHE HER!  But… she sure can sing the hell out of this song.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Insomnia - I Hate You

It's after 3AM.  I've been trying to sleep for over three hours now.  I'm exhausted yet wide awake.  There is no point to this blog post at all, so do not expect any greatness or wisdom about insomnia to emerge from it because you will not find that here.  Not being able to sleep has been one of my worst enemies for years.  It's a son of a bitch.  It's a mother effin' nightmare without being asleep.  Ironic, isn't it?  The worst part is that I have a headache that won't go away.  That means I can't even do anything productive while I'm not sleeping.  Writing this is painful.  You reading it probably is as well.

Damn it. I even took my prescribed sleeping pill which apparently is a joke, so I'm not sure why I even bother half the time.  

Who am I talking to?  The clock?  My water bottle?  The man on TV trying to sell me a used car?  I didn't even know they had infomercials for used cars?! "U.S. Auto Credit"  Now that sounds completely legit!  ChooseMyPayment.com? Yeah, I'm thinking I'll pass on that one.  I think I'll choose NOT SO MUCH.

The Gawds of Sleep - Why have you forsaken me?   Aww, f-bomb. 

Although this is not me in the image above, the resemblance at the moment is uncanny.

 

Random Acts of Cruelness and Happy Thanksgiving

I have no doubt in my mind that there are people that get their rocks off by running around sprinkling their little random acts of kindness in the world.  Yay for them. *disturbing eye roll*  I don't have rocks to get off, so I don't comprehend sprinkling much of anything.  Well, that's not exactly true. (I mean it's true that I don't have any rocks, but not true that I ....)  I do have a kind side at times is what I'm saying.  It highly depends on how much wine I've had.

I remember when I was working my office job many years ago and came back from lunch one day to find a Hersey's Kiss on my desk with a note that read "Just a Random Act of Kindness - Enjoy Your Day".  I was young then... and not so jaded. I remember thinking how nice that was and I probably actually ended up enjoying my day.  How silly is that?

I'm pretty sure if that happened now, my first thought would be who poisoned the chocolate, how did they do it, and why?  Then I would proceed to throw it in the trash.  That's what 20 years of Random Acts of Cruelness will do to a person.  I've seen this played out the most at the grocery store.  I think it's because I've shopped hella times at one over the years.  It's a nightmare every single instance no matter the day, the hour, or my reason for being there.  Everyone at the grocery store is an evil bastard.  The main thing I've learned is that no one gives a f#ck when acquiring groceries.  (yes, myself included) 

So what is my point?  The point is - I am thrilled that for the next three days, I do not have to step foot into a grocery store. My sister and her family are in town for the holiday and staying at my mother's.  My mother LOVES grocery shopping AND she buys Hershey Kisses which I do not believe to be poisoned.  (errrr... I might be skipping those just in case...)  Oh and I also won't have to inhale any tainted pine cones.  Double score!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

This is my mother's "pineapple turkey" centerpiece she's so incredibly proud of.  Good gawd, seriously mom?  If it wasn't for her mad cooking skillz, I don't know if I could handle the next three days.

This shit is so not cool...