There Once was a Girl Who Loved Xmas

Yeah, so I really hate xmas.  I just find the whole "CELEBRATION" annoying.  I don't celebrate baby jesus' birth because, well, quite frankly, what's the dude every done for me?  And secondly, his star is entirely way too bright.

However, there once was a girl who loved xmas and that girl happened to be ME! The only reason I know this is because I found the proof in a photo.  I'm pretty sure this was the year I received my "Baby Alive" doll, except the 'food' (I'm not exactly sure what the f#ck that was...) got all moldy down in her little tummy and mom and dad had to throw her away a few weeks later and I only knew her to have gone "missing".  No wonder I have issues. 

Interesting FACTOID straight from Wikipedia about little Baby Alive (and when I say interesting, I mean WTF?!):
"it could be fed food packets mixed with water, and came with a bottle, diapers and feeding spoon. The spoon would be inserted into its mouth, and a lever on its back pushed to have it chew the food. The food would move through her and end up in her diaper; this version did not speak, so you had to check the diaper a few moments after feeding. It also produced droppings and threw up regularly."

Does this sound like something you'd want your child to play with?  I mean seriously.  This is just mental illness waiting to happen.

Since this is THROW BACK THURSDAY (and here I thought this meant throw one back, as in a shot of Stolis - which I still might do later), I thought I'd share this adorable picture of cute little moi from December 1972.  Now, everyone look at it and say, "awwww" because this girl now, in 2013, doesn't get this excited for xmas no mo.

"Yay for xmas and Baby Alive - who will grow mold in her stomach and have to 'go missing'!  Thanks Mom!  Thanks Dad!"  

clap, clap, clap.  

Here's a Good Idea - Pour Milk Over Your Head

I posted awhile back a video of a mom and son doing The Cinnamon Challenge which did have its semi-funny results.  After reading the book Choke by Chuck Palahniuk, I have a different perspective of people choking now, so I lean more to being open about 'the cinnamon challenge' being funny instead of stupid.  No doubt it was highly stupid, but funny if I am in the right mood for stupidity.

There was also "Planking" for the severely bored (board?). I didn't really get that one.  I guess the ones that were a bit more daredevilish were sort of interesting, but mostly I found the images to be rather mundane.  I guess some skill is involved.  I think I'd actually be pretty good at it because I played "Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board" all the time at slumber parties.

I guess when planking become boring, they upped the ante to "Batmanning".  I will assume this is obvious as to what it means, but if not, here is a picture.  In my opinion, this was straight up stolen from The Lost Boys.  I call ULTRA-BULLSHIT.

Then when batmanning wasn't enough, "Owling" came along in its place.  Seriously?   Well, you already know my feelings about owls at the present time.  

But, I think things have progressed (regressed...) to a new low.  At least in the previous ones, they were somewhat entertaining and I only say that because some of them had interesting scenery.  However, this new one is just f#cking dumb.  It's called "Milking".  If you're not sure what this one is, don't worry it doesn't have anything to do with cows.  This is how it works:

1.  Stand in front of a camera and dump a carton of milk over your head.

2. Wait for internet fame.

I have to admit that I am truly grateful this was not started by Americans.  It was started in Britain by some students protesting tuition hikes.  (Makes perfect sense to me!)  Americans are already dumb enough so we don't need any further publicity on that end of the spectrum.  Besides that, if we fall over this cliff they're talking about, gallons of milk are going to be anywhere from $6 to $9 come the middle of January.  I don't have that kind of money to become famous.

Seasons of Joy(lessness)

This is a season of joylessness.  I just love seasons of joy because anyone that knows me knows how much I love being joyful and seasons that involve that.  I thought that I would come up with the top 9 things that bring me joy because 8 wouldn't be enough.

There's so much joy below, I couldn't possibly go in any particular order...

9)  Rudolph Car Decorations
I don't even have the words to describe what I thought when I saw this for the first time.  The joy I felt just exuded from my insides.  Speechless really.  I had to post a picture for full effect. 

8)  Bell Ringers in Front of the Grocery Store Blocking all Entrances Behind the Scented Pine Cones 
It brings me great joy that not only am I on my way to spend ridiculous amounts of money on groceries to feed my son who eats everything in sight leaving me no leftovers EVER, but I have to fight my way through the Bell Ringers who block both entrances and then merrily say 'Merry Christmas'.  They are always so joyful which makes me feel joyful.  I never feel guilty or awkward walking past them not dropping in change or bills I am not carrying on me.

7)  Accidentally Being in the Wrong Lane in Front of the Mall
This brings me so much joy because I prefer to miss my turn, having to go out of my way at least a mile which only takes about 20 minutes and then come back in front of the mall when I didn't actually mean to be there in the first place.  This is like a little adventure, a small road trip or what I like to call the "scenic route".  Good times!

6)  Kids and Their Ever-Changing Minds
I love the joy of having just spent $199 on a Kindle Fire after you asked your son 292837293874239487 times what he wants for xmas and replies, "I don't know" 292837293874239487 back only to say "Hey, I just thought of something I wanted!"... Oh the joy I got in saying, "Too bad, sucka.  I already got your present." 

5)  Hummers, Singers and Whistlers
There is so much joy in shopping and listening to hummers, singers and whistlers in the same aisle as me.  I love it.  You can't imagine what I'm thinking inside when someone next to me by the sour cream is singing "Do You Hear What I Hear???"

4)  My Drunk Brother and His Girlfriend Who Hates Me
It will bring me joy on xmas day when... wait.........

3)  Hallmark Xmas Movies
These movies are nothing but pure joy.  None of them are the same storyline.  They all have exceptional actors.  They are on 24/7 which is great because you can watch them at any time during the day or night.  The plots are so fascinating and original and...the best of all???  They NEVER repeat the same one twice, especially right in a row.

2)  Colorized Version of "It's a Wonderful Life"
I just love how real it looks.  Instant joy. It doesn't take away from the film at all.  I wasn't too thrilled the other day when I went to go buy a copy of it and found that it included the original black and white version, too.  I'm not sure why they did that.  I'll probably just toss that one out.  They didn't just have a colored version to purchase.  I *HAD* to buy it as a set... for $24!  I think selling it with the black and white version is just a ploy.

1)  Home Shopping Network
Actually, this one does bring me a shit-ton of joy... for real.  No lines, no parking of cars, no people... It's the only way I shop.  I thought I better throw a real joy in the list.  I'm really not as grouchy as I sound.  I'm much, much worse.  ;O

I'm Going to be Late. I Robbed Myself.

I was thinking back to my earlier years in life when I wasn't very responsible and didn't really know the meaning of "work ethics".  I was working at a 7-Eleven in a relatively bad neighborhood and going to work was not really my top priority for two main reasons.  The first reason is that I was 19-years-old and I partied pretty much every night. Getting up to make it to work by 11AM was a joke.  The second reason is that because I lived in a realllly bad neighborhood and had no vehicle at the time, going to work was a gamble.  I had a 50/50 chance of making it there alive. 

I remember one morning I had a killer hangover.  That day, I had to be at work at 7AM and not my normal start time of 11AM.   I had already used every excuse imaginable to call off in the past.  I only needed more sleep that day... just a few hours and I'd be okay.  I knew that I couldn't call off the entire shift because I had just called off a week before. (Gawd, I was a terrible employee!) Looking back, I am surprised that I had not been fired.  I suppose I hadn't because the turn-over rate in employees was pretty much daily.  I guess that if you called off, but still came to work within the next day or two, they were happy.

It's like 6:45... I'm thinking, thinking, thinking... and thinking this early in the morning is very difficult when you have a hangover.  I came up with the perfect story.  I knew it was perfect because no one used it that I knew of since I had been working there.  I WAS ROBBED! (Obviously I was robbed of anymore good excuses, too...)  I lived in a shitty neighborhood and certainly it would be believable.  It totally worked. 

I was only late four hours and got to sleep off my hangover.  I probably could have used it for the whole day.  I think I felt slightly guilty though and probably mulled over karma for a minute or two. My shift manager felt so bad for me.  She even bought my lunch that day when I got to work.  This was a bonus since I had no money to buy food because I was not working from calling off so much. 

 I just wonder if I am the only one who has ever had
 bad no work ethics in their younger days?

Not-So-Retro-Owls

When I was growing up in the the '70s, I remember having some pretty groovy owl jewelry, some bookends and I think a few figurines on my dresser.  I still love owls and have a few around the house (nothing crazy as I am not an insane collector of anything - maybe dust - but that's neither here nor there) but over the last several years the whole "retro owl" trend thing has just pissed me off.  Not only are they not even RETRO looking, they are pretty much on every dumb ass thing you can purchase.  It's so annoying to me that this is actually a "trend", that I want to throw all my owls out the window and stab those little effers in their big hooty eyes.  (Okay, that's a bit much, but I take the '70s seriously!)

To get a better understanding of what I mean, go take a peek at Etsy.com (the biggest culprit of this BS) and search "retro owls".  At any given moment you can really have your fill of not-so-retro pukified owl items. It's a real freakin' nightmare.

Here are just a few examples I found... 

Retro Owl Dog Collar
And you'd want this on your dog....why?

Retro Owl Green Bottle Cap Magnet
What?

Retro Owl Pocket Diaper
Nothing holds your infant's digested carrots and peas cuter than this, right?

  












Retro Owl Kindle Cover
Um, not so much.

So, my point is, let's stop with the not-so-retro-owl shit.  Because that is what it is, SHIT.  Go to your vintage shop, Goodwill store, or somewhere like the back of your grandmother's closet and find an owl there to display if you want one so badly.  That's a retro-owl! And please, for gawd sake's do NOT, under any circumstance, make anything with owl fabric that was not spun and woven 45+ years ago.

Thanks.

 

My Clusterf#uck of a Tree

All year long my children and I said we weren't going to go through the hassle of putting up the xmas tree.  In fact, we were all in agreement that we weren't even going to celebrate xmas.  Our thinking was that if we wanted to buy gifts for one another, we would just go out and buy them whenever and waiting until xmas was a moot point since we are all self-proclaimed heathens.  *gasp, i know...*

Well then Thanksgiving came and went and I started thinking of my dear Grandmother who died at the age of 93 in 2005.  Prior to that she made each of her grandchildren a handmade ornament every year and then continued the tradition with all her great-grandchildren.  I thought it would be a shame to leave them in a box and not honour her memory AND I wasn't so sure that my son was really for the "no present" deal.  I was all for it, but putting myself in his shoes, I don't think I would have let my parents get away with that shit.

So, we decided to put the tree up. What a nightmare.  My mother who is always so generous gave me her "prelit" xmas tree a few years back when I got in a fight with my old one. I was trying to take it apart and it wasn't working, so I angrily dragged it through the snow to the curb and threw it in with the trash.  (That is another clusterf#uck I should write about sometime...)  So, back to this prelit bitch.  Whoever thought prelit trees were a good idea is a complete moron.

We get it set up and plug it in only to see that half of the lights were working. Oh joy!  I just remembered why I  love xmas so much.  Do you think the light outage could have been located in one central area?  No, that would be entirely too easy.  It was out in different sections. Although, I suppose it is at least in a pattern of working, not working, working, not working, and working... and I guess that should make me feel better.

At this point, I am now running around the house trying to figure this out because the last thing I want to do is go to the store and get more lights.  I didn't want to put this MF'er up in the first place. Ah... I find a string of 'candy corn' lights from Halloween!  Bingo. And on the tree they go.  I found a string of purple lights I had.  Yep, those go on it, too.  We're getting somewhere.  Scratch that.  No, we aren't.  When I stepped back after this entire fiasco, it is just one big CLUSTERF#UCK!  You can't even tell I added lights to it to try and hide the clusterf#cked parts.  Looks like this one will be dragged out to the trash, too, lights and all.  Two weeks and it's gone.

  I'm not sure I can even call this a Charlie Brown xmas tree... It's just even more sad than that.

And yes, I'm sure I could go to the store and buy some more lights and add them in, but I really just don't even care at this point.  How sad is that?

Game On, Trunk-Dwellers!

Oh yes, game on!  Apparently complaining to my apartment complex about noisy neighbors for two years does nothing.  Perhaps management is too afraid to say anything because what lives above me are actually two elephants who smoke bongs with a screaming baby.  Well, I'm not certain the baby smokes the bong, but I think it should because then it might stop screaming.

I am not really anti-smoking of bongs.  In fact, I encourage it.  Smoke all the bongs you want.  Smoke two at once, if you can.  More power to you.  What I am against is coughing, laughing, pounding, running, screaming, banging and a plethora of other loud, obnoxious noises 24/7.

I am getting old and in my old(er) age, I would really enjoy peace and quiet at this point in my life.  Why is this so hard to achieve?  My thought is that it is time to play the game.  I have been plotting their demise for 2 years now.  Okay, demise might be a little bit harsh, at least too harsh to write on a blog as that would be proof to such a thing.  Me and the elephants have already had several screaming matches and apparently I'm a f#ucking b!tich.  Well, duh... here's a news flash - this isn't a news flash!

I know for a fact they are college students, so we definitely are NOT of the same generation anything and I'm pretty sure that I could be really annoying by playing some of the CDs I have in my collection the next time things start going down. (The fact that I just said I have 'CDs in my collection' is probably proof enough that we are not.... never mind)

Oh, did I mention that the walls are paper thin?  Yes, so thin that I can actually hear their conversations even at a normal tone.  This is quite a lovely notion because that means they can hear mine.  I do hope they like it when I am having perimenopausal rage and discussing my yearly mammogram results with my doctor... but I digress.  So... this leaves me to the only question of WHICH of my CDs at a very high decibel would make them vomit the most?  Here are the top choices I've come up with:

1.  Danzig - Danzig

2.  The Eagles Greatest Hits

3.  Tori Amos - Little Earthquakes

4.  Duran Duran - Decade

5.  Disco Fever - Greatest Hits

Or maybe I should just put them all in on shuffle and go shopping for the afternoon...........

   

They Are All Shmucks - From Birth Until They Move Out

After attending my son's middle school xmas band concert last night and that being at least the 12th xmas band concert that I've had to endure between both my kids, I've come to one conclusion: Those mothers who have older children who go around telling other mothers who have younger children that they should "enjoy the time they have with their precious little ones because they'll miss it later" are just outright psychotic.  Oh please...

I will never miss sitting through "Jingle Bells" by 20 violinists who are all out of tune playing at the speed of zero light.  But this goes much further than just ear-bleeding, middle school band/orchestra concerts.  This comes down to my son coming home yesterday screaming at the top of his lungs that the white shirt I bought him last spring just disappeared off the face of the earth and now two hours before this band concert he has nothing to wear.

Now mind you, I asked him the day before if he had his required black pants and white shirt in which he replied "yes" with confidence.  So I then heavily suggested to him to reconsider his option of looking in his closet that he hasn't cleaned out since he was two.  I also reminded him that white shirts don't just get up and walk away by themselves, although, if I were his white shirt sitting in that closet, I probably would.

So, the little effer stomps out of the room huffing and proceeds to slams his door like I'm the a$$hole here.

Ten minutes pass and the door opens...

"FOUND IT," he yelled.  (mmmm, yeah, I thought so) 

I said, "Don't you think you owe me an apology?"

"I'm sorry," he said.

"For?"  I asked raising my eyebrow.

He half smiled, "For yelling at you?"

"And...," I motioned for him to keep going.

"And for slamming my door," he half laughed.

"And because I'm always...," continuing to make him suffer.

Now being quite irritated with me, he rolled his eyes, "Right." 

"Good.  Glad we had this intelligent conversation," as I rolled my eyes back at him in my much more experienced manner.

And there are mothers out there that will miss this?  I do not miss changing diapers.  I will not miss this age and I haven't missed anything in between.  I am looking forward to the first day of college and beyond when he's old enough to buy me a bottle of wine, have a good job and support me. 

Does that make me a bad mother? (rhetorical)

No one says it, but it's what everyone is thinking...

What's More Depressing Than Anti-Depressants?

If you've ever taken anti-depressants, then you probably know how depressing they can be to take on either a long-term and/or short-term basis.  The side effects alone can be devastating enough to make you want to quit taking them.  I love when you see a commercial for any medication where the list of side effects goes on for over half of the total commercial time.  And a lot of times 'death' is on the list.  Well, I guess if you check with your doctor first, you might be okay.  Whaaaa?

To me, there's nothing worse than having sexual side effects from an anti-depressant. What is more depressing than this?  Nausea?  No.  Dizziness?  Nope.  Being in a fog?  Not really.  Zombie-like state?  Don't mind that one too much.  Sexual dysfunction?  Wait.... what???  Are you f#ucking kidding me?  If we have only one, small ounce of joy in our lives, even if for a brief 10 seconds, would it not be SEX?

Apparently several years ago I was on such a medication and quite fed up.  Previously to this, I was encouraged to start writing poetry as a method of therapy.  I guess I did just that and this poem I wrote about my 'dysfunction' is what I would call pretty straightforward.  It's called "Pills and Orgasms".  It's humourous to me now.  Not so much then.  And today is your lucky day as I am sharing it with you.  I should have sent it to my doctor and told him it was part of my therapy plan.  :)

pills and orgasms
they just don't mix
doctor says come on, take 'em bitch
and get your fix

but, you see, doc
my fix is bliss
that cums from hot sex
and a wet sloppy kiss

i took the pills
just like he said
i went down on my man
and gave him some head
 

he then turned on me
and boy i was ready
i said, yeah baby, just like that
slow, nice and steady
 

we tried for hours
and much to my dismay
no orgasms for me
so maybe another day

i went back to the doc
he said, sorry, that's the game
i want a different pill, i said
one with a different name
 

he said they are all alike
no matter what you do
i said, forget it, asshole
'cuz if i can't cum
i'd rather be blue

july 12, 2007

How to be a Jackass in an Online Class: Lesson One

I've been taking online classes for quite some time now in trying to finish my degree that I started in 1994 (yes, I said 1994, not 2004 - not that one sounds any better than the other) and although it is a very convenient way to take college courses, I much prefer a real classroom setting.  However, due to circumstances unbeknownst to me, I have had no choice but to finish my last year taking ALL online classes.

Nothing gives me a headache rebekache more than someone being a jackass, especially in college.   This is a place you'd think people are supposed to be somewhat smart, right?  Wrong.  Unfortunately, participating in an online class is no different.  If you are of the twisted-minded type who enjoys f#ucking with others, I am about to show you a surefire way on how to drive your online classmates insane.

Lesson One

Some professors hold web cam classes.  Some professors prefer to hold chat only classes.  Some will do a combination of both.  The easiest way to be a jackass in an online class is to have internet problems.  There's always at least one in every class and they are usually the biggest jackasses of all.  Let me demonstrate why.

Here is how this scenario might play out:

Professor is giving lecture...

JACKASS HAS (RE)ENTERED CHAT

Professor:  "If you take x and shove it up y's ass, you can then take the sum of these, multiply by 3 and...."

Jackass:  "I'm sorry everyone!  I'm having internet trouble tonight and got booted off!!!!  Did I miss anything important?"

Random classmate 1:  "Oh that's okay, that happens to me all the time!"

Random classmate 2: "OMG!  Me too!  I am so sick of this!  Must be a full moon!!!"

Random classmate 1:  "I know, right?"

Jackass:  "Me three!  This is the second class this has happened in tonight!"

Professor:  "That's okay, 'Jackass'.  We were just discussing how to take x and what happens when you shove it up y's ass, but I always record these sessions, so you can go back and listen to it later."

Jackass: "Oh, okay.  I will do that, thanks."

By this time, 5-7 minutes of an hour-a-week class has been officially wasted because 'jackass' got everyone to discuss their internet issues, the cycle of the moon and how they are all in agreement with one another about it.

Also, "Jackass" in this scenario doesn't seem to remember that the professor has told the class at least 982,983,492,834 times before this that he/she ALWAYS records every class session (not to mention the BIG red button located in the upper right hand corner of the screen that says, 'THIS CLASS MEETING IS BEING RECORDED').

Obviously we have several jackasses and dynamics that come into play here, but it is very reasonable to say that if the original jackass just came back in quietly and didn't say anything, the class would have continued with no interruptions.

*side note*  I love when someone asks if they have missed anything "important".  WTF?  The entire hour of class is important.  That's why the professor is giving the lecture.  Idiots.  Seriously.  

So that leads us to the five steps in Lesson One of How to be a Jackass in an Online Class.

1.  Go offline, come back online, and let everyone know that you went offline due to internet issues and that you are now officially back online.

2.  Apologize for Step 1.

3.  Ask if you "missed anything important" while you were offline, because why would anything being taught in your online class be important?

4.  Get others to talk about the moon cycle as well as having their own internet issues.

5.  Repeat several times during class to be an extra big jackass.

For Lesson Two, I will discuss how to be a jackass in your
 online class by using :)'s and txt spk.