Mommy, Can I Go Out and Kill Tonight?

I've been in this type of blogger world for less than two months and I think I'm going to quit or stab myself in the face.  I haven't decided yet.

What is with all the unoriginal "mommy" blogs?  Is it me or are there really that many "mommies" out there that just simply don't have their own lives?  I don't get it.  I have two children.  I love them dearly.  I would do anything for them, but f#uck people!  Yes, I gave birth to my children.  Hooray.  So did 9283492834729834 other mothers.  I've raised one of them.  She left and is on her own.  (What mother doesn't say AMEN to that?)  I still got one more to go.  (4 years and a few odd months and counting...)  I do happen to enjoy my own shit from time to time.  I don't have to talk about them 24/7, nor do I have to make every username online about them, nor did I lose my own identity once I had them.  I'm considering leaving the blogging world, seriously...

...unless, of course, I can take a moment and poke fun.

Here are some blog titles I've seen.  Slightly over-exaggerated, perhaps.  

"Mommy of 52.  Worship My Uterus."

"Crazy Mommy Who Thinks No One Ever Has Ever Had Kids Before Except Me"

"Mommy Who Drinks Wine and Tells Everyone About it, but I Really Don't Even Drink"

"Happy Mommy and Wife but Divorcing and Giving up Custody Next Year because I Shoot Heroin"

"I Love Being a Mommy and yet I Beat Them with a Wooden Spoon When No One is Looking"
 
"Mommy who Loves to Craft, Sew, Breastfeed, Clean, Cook, Change Shitty Diapers (all at the same time, of course), but then Drives 600 Miles Away Without Telling Anyone because I Truly Suck and Can't Hack It"

"I'm a Mommy and I Want Everyone to Think I am Great because I am Actually a Horrible Mommy. My Kids are Brats and Mentally Challenged."

A little originality goes a long way.  Really and truly.

Thanks.

All in good fun, of course.... All in good fun :)

They Are All Shmucks - From Birth Until They Move Out

After attending my son's middle school xmas band concert last night and that being at least the 12th xmas band concert that I've had to endure between both my kids, I've come to one conclusion: Those mothers who have older children who go around telling other mothers who have younger children that they should "enjoy the time they have with their precious little ones because they'll miss it later" are just outright psychotic.  Oh please...

I will never miss sitting through "Jingle Bells" by 20 violinists who are all out of tune playing at the speed of zero light.  But this goes much further than just ear-bleeding, middle school band/orchestra concerts.  This comes down to my son coming home yesterday screaming at the top of his lungs that the white shirt I bought him last spring just disappeared off the face of the earth and now two hours before this band concert he has nothing to wear.

Now mind you, I asked him the day before if he had his required black pants and white shirt in which he replied "yes" with confidence.  So I then heavily suggested to him to reconsider his option of looking in his closet that he hasn't cleaned out since he was two.  I also reminded him that white shirts don't just get up and walk away by themselves, although, if I were his white shirt sitting in that closet, I probably would.

So, the little effer stomps out of the room huffing and proceeds to slams his door like I'm the a$$hole here.

Ten minutes pass and the door opens...

"FOUND IT," he yelled.  (mmmm, yeah, I thought so) 

I said, "Don't you think you owe me an apology?"

"I'm sorry," he said.

"For?"  I asked raising my eyebrow.

He half smiled, "For yelling at you?"

"And...," I motioned for him to keep going.

"And for slamming my door," he half laughed.

"And because I'm always...," continuing to make him suffer.

Now being quite irritated with me, he rolled his eyes, "Right." 

"Good.  Glad we had this intelligent conversation," as I rolled my eyes back at him in my much more experienced manner.

And there are mothers out there that will miss this?  I do not miss changing diapers.  I will not miss this age and I haven't missed anything in between.  I am looking forward to the first day of college and beyond when he's old enough to buy me a bottle of wine, have a good job and support me. 

Does that make me a bad mother? (rhetorical)

No one says it, but it's what everyone is thinking...

If Adults Acted Like Kids

It's been a very long time since I've had small children to raise.  I've already got one out of the house and the other one will be in high school next year.  Four more years and I'll be good to finally make my move to Canada.  My son keeps asking me why I want to move there.  "Hockey Night In Canada... Why Else?"  All he says is, "Oh Mom..."  I don't think he realizes how serious I truly am.

Anyway... back to the topic. I am thoroughly enjoying watching my younger sister raise my two nieces who are nearing the ages of two and four.  Yesterday while I was on the phone with her, I had to cut the conversation short and jokingly she said "That's okay, no one has time for us..."   She said it loud enough that her 4-year-old heard her.  I said, "Don't say that in front of her.  You're a bad mother!"   She replied, "Did you just say that I'm a bad Mother?"  She then asked her daughter, "Am I a good Mama or a bad Mama?" which her daughter then responded, without hesitation, "BAAAD!" 

Oh, how funny that was.

This made me think of other times I've been on the phone and heard things come out of my sister's mouth like "Stop licking the TV" or "Why did you just hit your sister on the head with the remote?".   My sister and I always laugh and say how we never thought in a million years such phrases would ever come out of our mouths.

This leads me to the title of this post.  What if Adults just acted like kids - spoke their minds without filter, randomly put things in their mouths, licked TVs for no apparent reason, threw temper tantrums, said nonsense words, ran around in circles, fell to the floor laughing, smacked someone on the head just because, grabbed someone's sandwich at a restaurant and ate it or just throw the food on the floor.  The possibilities are endless.

I may sound crazy, but I'd actually like to see this happen, just for a day.  Imagine this at a sporting event (of course, this might not be far off from football fans), in church, at the mall, and I think my favourite would have to be at the grocery store.  I think you'd understand if you've ever had to shop with children at a grocery store.  And there, my friends, is the working mind of Rebeka.  I think it's time for my medicine.