Mommy, Can I Go Out and Kill Tonight?

I've been in this type of blogger world for less than two months and I think I'm going to quit or stab myself in the face.  I haven't decided yet.

What is with all the unoriginal "mommy" blogs?  Is it me or are there really that many "mommies" out there that just simply don't have their own lives?  I don't get it.  I have two children.  I love them dearly.  I would do anything for them, but f#uck people!  Yes, I gave birth to my children.  Hooray.  So did 9283492834729834 other mothers.  I've raised one of them.  She left and is on her own.  (What mother doesn't say AMEN to that?)  I still got one more to go.  (4 years and a few odd months and counting...)  I do happen to enjoy my own shit from time to time.  I don't have to talk about them 24/7, nor do I have to make every username online about them, nor did I lose my own identity once I had them.  I'm considering leaving the blogging world, seriously...

...unless, of course, I can take a moment and poke fun.

Here are some blog titles I've seen.  Slightly over-exaggerated, perhaps.  

"Mommy of 52.  Worship My Uterus."

"Crazy Mommy Who Thinks No One Ever Has Ever Had Kids Before Except Me"

"Mommy Who Drinks Wine and Tells Everyone About it, but I Really Don't Even Drink"

"Happy Mommy and Wife but Divorcing and Giving up Custody Next Year because I Shoot Heroin"

"I Love Being a Mommy and yet I Beat Them with a Wooden Spoon When No One is Looking"
 
"Mommy who Loves to Craft, Sew, Breastfeed, Clean, Cook, Change Shitty Diapers (all at the same time, of course), but then Drives 600 Miles Away Without Telling Anyone because I Truly Suck and Can't Hack It"

"I'm a Mommy and I Want Everyone to Think I am Great because I am Actually a Horrible Mommy. My Kids are Brats and Mentally Challenged."

A little originality goes a long way.  Really and truly.

Thanks.

All in good fun, of course.... All in good fun :)

They Are All Shmucks - From Birth Until They Move Out

After attending my son's middle school xmas band concert last night and that being at least the 12th xmas band concert that I've had to endure between both my kids, I've come to one conclusion: Those mothers who have older children who go around telling other mothers who have younger children that they should "enjoy the time they have with their precious little ones because they'll miss it later" are just outright psychotic.  Oh please...

I will never miss sitting through "Jingle Bells" by 20 violinists who are all out of tune playing at the speed of zero light.  But this goes much further than just ear-bleeding, middle school band/orchestra concerts.  This comes down to my son coming home yesterday screaming at the top of his lungs that the white shirt I bought him last spring just disappeared off the face of the earth and now two hours before this band concert he has nothing to wear.

Now mind you, I asked him the day before if he had his required black pants and white shirt in which he replied "yes" with confidence.  So I then heavily suggested to him to reconsider his option of looking in his closet that he hasn't cleaned out since he was two.  I also reminded him that white shirts don't just get up and walk away by themselves, although, if I were his white shirt sitting in that closet, I probably would.

So, the little effer stomps out of the room huffing and proceeds to slams his door like I'm the a$$hole here.

Ten minutes pass and the door opens...

"FOUND IT," he yelled.  (mmmm, yeah, I thought so) 

I said, "Don't you think you owe me an apology?"

"I'm sorry," he said.

"For?"  I asked raising my eyebrow.

He half smiled, "For yelling at you?"

"And...," I motioned for him to keep going.

"And for slamming my door," he half laughed.

"And because I'm always...," continuing to make him suffer.

Now being quite irritated with me, he rolled his eyes, "Right." 

"Good.  Glad we had this intelligent conversation," as I rolled my eyes back at him in my much more experienced manner.

And there are mothers out there that will miss this?  I do not miss changing diapers.  I will not miss this age and I haven't missed anything in between.  I am looking forward to the first day of college and beyond when he's old enough to buy me a bottle of wine, have a good job and support me. 

Does that make me a bad mother? (rhetorical)

No one says it, but it's what everyone is thinking...

Random Acts of Cruelness and Happy Thanksgiving

I have no doubt in my mind that there are people that get their rocks off by running around sprinkling their little random acts of kindness in the world.  Yay for them. *disturbing eye roll*  I don't have rocks to get off, so I don't comprehend sprinkling much of anything.  Well, that's not exactly true. (I mean it's true that I don't have any rocks, but not true that I ....)  I do have a kind side at times is what I'm saying.  It highly depends on how much wine I've had.

I remember when I was working my office job many years ago and came back from lunch one day to find a Hersey's Kiss on my desk with a note that read "Just a Random Act of Kindness - Enjoy Your Day".  I was young then... and not so jaded. I remember thinking how nice that was and I probably actually ended up enjoying my day.  How silly is that?

I'm pretty sure if that happened now, my first thought would be who poisoned the chocolate, how did they do it, and why?  Then I would proceed to throw it in the trash.  That's what 20 years of Random Acts of Cruelness will do to a person.  I've seen this played out the most at the grocery store.  I think it's because I've shopped hella times at one over the years.  It's a nightmare every single instance no matter the day, the hour, or my reason for being there.  Everyone at the grocery store is an evil bastard.  The main thing I've learned is that no one gives a f#ck when acquiring groceries.  (yes, myself included) 

So what is my point?  The point is - I am thrilled that for the next three days, I do not have to step foot into a grocery store. My sister and her family are in town for the holiday and staying at my mother's.  My mother LOVES grocery shopping AND she buys Hershey Kisses which I do not believe to be poisoned.  (errrr... I might be skipping those just in case...)  Oh and I also won't have to inhale any tainted pine cones.  Double score!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

This is my mother's "pineapple turkey" centerpiece she's so incredibly proud of.  Good gawd, seriously mom?  If it wasn't for her mad cooking skillz, I don't know if I could handle the next three days.

This shit is so not cool...