They Are All Shmucks - From Birth Until They Move Out

After attending my son's middle school xmas band concert last night and that being at least the 12th xmas band concert that I've had to endure between both my kids, I've come to one conclusion: Those mothers who have older children who go around telling other mothers who have younger children that they should "enjoy the time they have with their precious little ones because they'll miss it later" are just outright psychotic.  Oh please...

I will never miss sitting through "Jingle Bells" by 20 violinists who are all out of tune playing at the speed of zero light.  But this goes much further than just ear-bleeding, middle school band/orchestra concerts.  This comes down to my son coming home yesterday screaming at the top of his lungs that the white shirt I bought him last spring just disappeared off the face of the earth and now two hours before this band concert he has nothing to wear.

Now mind you, I asked him the day before if he had his required black pants and white shirt in which he replied "yes" with confidence.  So I then heavily suggested to him to reconsider his option of looking in his closet that he hasn't cleaned out since he was two.  I also reminded him that white shirts don't just get up and walk away by themselves, although, if I were his white shirt sitting in that closet, I probably would.

So, the little effer stomps out of the room huffing and proceeds to slams his door like I'm the a$$hole here.

Ten minutes pass and the door opens...

"FOUND IT," he yelled.  (mmmm, yeah, I thought so) 

I said, "Don't you think you owe me an apology?"

"I'm sorry," he said.

"For?"  I asked raising my eyebrow.

He half smiled, "For yelling at you?"

"And...," I motioned for him to keep going.

"And for slamming my door," he half laughed.

"And because I'm always...," continuing to make him suffer.

Now being quite irritated with me, he rolled his eyes, "Right." 

"Good.  Glad we had this intelligent conversation," as I rolled my eyes back at him in my much more experienced manner.

And there are mothers out there that will miss this?  I do not miss changing diapers.  I will not miss this age and I haven't missed anything in between.  I am looking forward to the first day of college and beyond when he's old enough to buy me a bottle of wine, have a good job and support me. 

Does that make me a bad mother? (rhetorical)

No one says it, but it's what everyone is thinking...

Let's Take Christ Out of Christmas

I'm a grinch.  I'm a scrooge.  And here's why.  I say we take the Christ out of Christmas once and for all.  I love watching (c)hristians begin to profusely sweat because heathens are suing cities for having nativity scenes in public places.  One of my other favourites is watching them try to protest stores that say "happy holidays" instead of "merry christmas".  I don't see why it matters.  Holidays/Christmas are neither happy nor merry.

I read a story from 'black friday 2012' where two people were shot in Tallahassee, Florida.  The gist was as follows: "two couples were arguing and one of the men stared firing, before fleeing the scene in his car."  I think I have made my point.  The 'Christ in Christmas' has been taken out a long time ago.  I believe someone was shot last year as well.  This wasn't an isolated incident. Crazy Americans and their guns or is it simply crazy Americans and Christmas or is it just crazy Americans?  These are questions I ponder on a regular basis, but I digress.

Anyway, I will take back EVERYTHING I just said if someone buys me the tree below.  I will even put a nativity scene under it if you can find me a purple Jesus to go with it! Gawd do I love purple and I would even consider keeping this up all year long.

Oh and feel free to purchase anything from The Purple Store for me to celebrate winter solstice 2012 since I don't celebrate "_mas".  It so happens that winter solstice is also doomsday (again), which means you won't have to pay the bill anyway!

Also, I'd like to go out with a 'bang' if you know what I mean and what better way than with a pair of Purple Go-Go Boots.

Top 10 Songs I'm Ashamed to Love

I was reading one of my newfound blogs the other day, Adventures in Estrogen, and there was a post written called "Top 10 Movies I'm Ashamed to Love".  I was going to do a version of my own list, but I was in the mood for music tonight, so I decided to go with a list of Top 10 Songs instead.  I’m starting with the least shameful to most shameful.  I think.  I guess you can tell me after you read through them.  Here goes:

10.  I Was Made For Dancin' – Leif Garrett
Mr. Garrett sang “Give In” on an episode of CHiPs.  My 9-year-old heart, soul and body were his forever after that (don’t judge me!), but "I Was Made For Dancin'" was my favourite song he sang.  You will also be happy to learn that this is the only disco song I’m going to put in my top 10 because in all seriousness, I could easily come up with a top 10 disco list and I don’t think anyone wants that.

  Surely anyone can see why I instantly fell in love with Leif that night in 1979.

9.  I Want It That Way – The Backstreet Boys
There may be some who could argue that this is indeed a great song.  The problem occurs when you come to realize that I was in my late (really late) 20s when it was released and regularly cranked it driving in my minivan.

8.  Funky Cold Medina – Tone Loc
“I don’t fool around with no Oscar Meyer wiener.  You must be sure that the girl is pure for the Funky Cold Medina."   I mean it was a big old mess when Sheena got undressed.  It’s kind of funny it got that far and I love the cowbell in that song, plus there’s dog humping.

7.  Merry Christmas Darling – The Carpenters
Sentimental value.  Shut your pie holes.

6.  Ice Ice Baby – Vanilla Ice
I have no explanation.  I actually went to his concert in 1990 with my friend (we were 20 at the time) and we felt like two jackasses when we realized everyone there were either 12 or that 12-year-old’s parent.  HAWT!

5.  Leave (Get Out) – Jojo
Good workout song?  That’s all I’ve got.  I feel so creepy liking this one.  Really. 

4.  How You Remind Me – Nickelback
In my defense, it was their first hit.  I had no idea ALL their other songs were going to sound exactly the same.  I still like it though.  

3.  Karma Chameleon – Culture Club
It’s catchy and odd and I can’t stop staring at Boy George.

2.  Lovin’ You – Minnie Riperton
There was a visa commercial a few years ago that destroyed this song for me because I loved it long before that, but it’s embarrassing and no one will ever put up with me listening to this song in the car, so I'm on my own with this one.  How the f#uck does she hit that high note?  It leaves me stupefied.  

 This is a different commercial, but same song / same idea.  It's a crime!

1.  My Heart Will Go On – Celine Dion
This pains me to write this as my number one (or at all).  If anyone knows me, they will know how embarrassing this is, but this song grabs my heartstrings and runs with them.  I cry every time I hear it.  I just try not to listen to it if I can help it.  I loathe Celine Dion.  LOATHE HER!  But… she sure can sing the hell out of this song.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it!