Sunday, December 2, 2012

How to be a Jackass in an Online Class: Lesson One

I've been taking online classes for quite some time now in trying to finish my degree that I started in 1994 (yes, I said 1994, not 2004 - not that one sounds any better than the other) and although it is a very convenient way to take college courses, I much prefer a real classroom setting.  However, due to circumstances unbeknownst to me, I have had no choice but to finish my last year taking ALL online classes.

Nothing gives me a headache rebekache more than someone being a jackass, especially in college.   This is a place you'd think people are supposed to be somewhat smart, right?  Wrong.  Unfortunately, participating in an online class is no different.  If you are of the twisted-minded type who enjoys f#ucking with others, I am about to show you a surefire way on how to drive your online classmates insane.

Lesson One

Some professors hold web cam classes.  Some professors prefer to hold chat only classes.  Some will do a combination of both.  The easiest way to be a jackass in an online class is to have internet problems.  There's always at least one in every class and they are usually the biggest jackasses of all.  Let me demonstrate why.

Here is how this scenario might play out:

Professor is giving lecture...


Professor:  "If you take x and shove it up y's ass, you can then take the sum of these, multiply by 3 and...."

Jackass:  "I'm sorry everyone!  I'm having internet trouble tonight and got booted off!!!!  Did I miss anything important?"

Random classmate 1:  "Oh that's okay, that happens to me all the time!"

Random classmate 2: "OMG!  Me too!  I am so sick of this!  Must be a full moon!!!"

Random classmate 1:  "I know, right?"

Jackass:  "Me three!  This is the second class this has happened in tonight!"

Professor:  "That's okay, 'Jackass'.  We were just discussing how to take x and what happens when you shove it up y's ass, but I always record these sessions, so you can go back and listen to it later."

"Oh, okay.  I will do that, thanks."

By this time, 5-7 minutes of an hour-a-week class has been officially wasted because 'jackass' got everyone to discuss their internet issues, the cycle of the moon and how they are all in agreement with one another about it.

Also, "Jackass" in this scenario doesn't seem to remember that the professor has told the class at least 982,983,492,834 times before this that he/she ALWAYS records every class session (not to mention the BIG red button located in the upper right hand corner of the screen that says, 'THIS CLASS MEETING IS BEING RECORDED').

Obviously we have several jackasses and dynamics that come into play here, but it is very reasonable to say that if the original jackass just came back in quietly and didn't say anything, the class would have continued with no interruptions.

*side note*  I love when someone asks if they have missed anything "important".  WTF?  The entire hour of class is important.  That's why the professor is giving the lecture.  Idiots.  Seriously.  

So that leads us to the five steps in Lesson One of How to be a Jackass in an Online Class.

1.  Go offline, come back online, and let everyone know that you went offline due to internet issues and that you are now officially back online.

2.  Apologize for Step 1.

3.  Ask if you "missed anything important" while you were offline, because why would anything being taught in your online class be important?

4.  Get others to talk about the moon cycle as well as having their own internet issues.

5.  Repeat several times during class to be an extra big jackass.

For Lesson Two, I will discuss how to be a jackass in your
 online class by using :)'s and txt spk. 


  1. Hah! I have the same thing happen at work during "webinars" (my most hated word in the English language). Only it's, "Oh, sorry, I had to take a call, can you repeat the last ten minutes so that the meeting will run too long and we will have to schedule a follow up? Thanks!"

    1. Next to the word "blog", "webinar" is my most second hated word ever. We have webinars at work also, but they are only for training purposes and they are smart enough that everyone's mic is turned off during the session. They allow questions only at the end. Smart!

  2. Hahaha! Getting people to talk about the moon cycle takes talent. I hated it when my professors talked about anything important in class. What, did they think I was there to learn? Honestly.

    1. It doesn't sound like you need any jackass lessons at all! =p I've got more important things to do than talk about moon cycles in an online class. If I'm not learning something, I could be do something more productive, like watching Jersey Shore.

  3. As someone who teaches online, I look forward to more posts in this series.

    1. Hi Mandy! Don't get too excited. I've got a lesson in mind that involves jackass Professors, too. :O haha!!

  4. I <3 txt spk. Can't wait 4 u 2 xpln it. LMK when ur posting ne cool stuf.

    WHY should I bother to type in full sentences in a CHAT room? That's just a waste of time. I'm not going to college to learn proper grammar, DUH.


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