Monday, November 26, 2012

Let's Take Christ Out of Christmas

I'm a grinch.  I'm a scrooge.  And here's why.  I say we take the Christ out of Christmas once and for all.  I love watching (c)hristians begin to profusely sweat because heathens are suing cities for having nativity scenes in public places.  One of my other favourites is watching them try to protest stores that say "happy holidays" instead of "merry christmas".  I don't see why it matters.  Holidays/Christmas are neither happy nor merry.

I read a story from 'black friday 2012' where two people were shot in Tallahassee, Florida.  The gist was as follows: "two couples were arguing and one of the men stared firing, before fleeing the scene in his car."  I think I have made my point.  The 'Christ in Christmas' has been taken out a long time ago.  I believe someone was shot last year as well.  This wasn't an isolated incident. Crazy Americans and their guns or is it simply crazy Americans and Christmas or is it just crazy Americans?  These are questions I ponder on a regular basis, but I digress.

Anyway, I will take back EVERYTHING I just said if someone buys me the tree below.  I will even put a nativity scene under it if you can find me a purple Jesus to go with it! Gawd do I love purple and I would even consider keeping this up all year long.

Oh and feel free to purchase anything from The Purple Store for me to celebrate winter solstice 2012 since I don't celebrate "_mas".  It so happens that winter solstice is also doomsday (again), which means you won't have to pay the bill anyway!

Also, I'd like to go out with a 'bang' if you know what I mean and what better way than with a pair of Purple Go-Go Boots.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Top 10 Songs I'm Ashamed to Love

I was reading one of my newfound blogs the other day, Adventures in Estrogen, and there was a post written called "Top 10 Movies I'm Ashamed to Love".  I was going to do a version of my own list, but I was in the mood for music tonight, so I decided to go with a list of Top 10 Songs instead.  I’m starting with the least shameful to most shameful.  I think.  I guess you can tell me after you read through them.  Here goes:

10.  I Was Made For Dancin' – Leif Garrett
Mr. Garrett sang “Give In” on an episode of CHiPs.  My 9-year-old heart, soul and body were his forever after that (don’t judge me!), but "I Was Made For Dancin'" was my favourite song he sang.  You will also be happy to learn that this is the only disco song I’m going to put in my top 10 because in all seriousness, I could easily come up with a top 10 disco list and I don’t think anyone wants that.

  Surely anyone can see why I instantly fell in love with Leif that night in 1979.

9.  I Want It That Way – The Backstreet Boys
There may be some who could argue that this is indeed a great song.  The problem occurs when you come to realize that I was in my late (really late) 20s when it was released and regularly cranked it driving in my minivan.

8.  Funky Cold Medina – Tone Loc
“I don’t fool around with no Oscar Meyer wiener.  You must be sure that the girl is pure for the Funky Cold Medina."   I mean it was a big old mess when Sheena got undressed.  It’s kind of funny it got that far and I love the cowbell in that song, plus there’s dog humping.

7.  Merry Christmas Darling – The Carpenters
Sentimental value.  Shut your pie holes.

6.  Ice Ice Baby – Vanilla Ice
I have no explanation.  I actually went to his concert in 1990 with my friend (we were 20 at the time) and we felt like two jackasses when we realized everyone there were either 12 or that 12-year-old’s parent.  HAWT!

5.  Leave (Get Out) – Jojo
Good workout song?  That’s all I’ve got.  I feel so creepy liking this one.  Really. 

4.  How You Remind Me – Nickelback
In my defense, it was their first hit.  I had no idea ALL their other songs were going to sound exactly the same.  I still like it though.  

3.  Karma Chameleon – Culture Club
It’s catchy and odd and I can’t stop staring at Boy George.

2.  Lovin’ You – Minnie Riperton
There was a visa commercial a few years ago that destroyed this song for me because I loved it long before that, but it’s embarrassing and no one will ever put up with me listening to this song in the car, so I'm on my own with this one.  How the f#uck does she hit that high note?  It leaves me stupefied.  

 This is a different commercial, but same song / same idea.  It's a crime!

1.  My Heart Will Go On – Celine Dion
This pains me to write this as my number one (or at all).  If anyone knows me, they will know how embarrassing this is, but this song grabs my heartstrings and runs with them.  I cry every time I hear it.  I just try not to listen to it if I can help it.  I loathe Celine Dion.  LOATHE HER!  But… she sure can sing the hell out of this song.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Friday, November 23, 2012

Insomnia - I Hate You

It's after 3AM.  I've been trying to sleep for over three hours now.  I'm exhausted yet wide awake.  There is no point to this blog post at all, so do not expect any greatness or wisdom about insomnia to emerge from it because you will not find that here.  Not being able to sleep has been one of my worst enemies for years.  It's a son of a bitch.  It's a mother effin' nightmare without being asleep.  Ironic, isn't it?  The worst part is that I have a headache that won't go away.  That means I can't even do anything productive while I'm not sleeping.  Writing this is painful.  You reading it probably is as well.

Damn it. I even took my prescribed sleeping pill which apparently is a joke, so I'm not sure why I even bother half the time.  

Who am I talking to?  The clock?  My water bottle?  The man on TV trying to sell me a used car?  I didn't even know they had infomercials for used cars?! "U.S. Auto Credit"  Now that sounds completely legit! Yeah, I'm thinking I'll pass on that one.  I think I'll choose NOT SO MUCH.

The Gawds of Sleep - Why have you forsaken me?   Aww, f-bomb. 

Although this is not me in the image above, the resemblance at the moment is uncanny.


Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Random Acts of Cruelness and Happy Thanksgiving

I have no doubt in my mind that there are people that get their rocks off by running around sprinkling their little random acts of kindness in the world.  Yay for them. *disturbing eye roll*  I don't have rocks to get off, so I don't comprehend sprinkling much of anything.  Well, that's not exactly true. (I mean it's true that I don't have any rocks, but not true that I ....)  I do have a kind side at times is what I'm saying.  It highly depends on how much wine I've had.

I remember when I was working my office job many years ago and came back from lunch one day to find a Hersey's Kiss on my desk with a note that read "Just a Random Act of Kindness - Enjoy Your Day".  I was young then... and not so jaded. I remember thinking how nice that was and I probably actually ended up enjoying my day.  How silly is that?

I'm pretty sure if that happened now, my first thought would be who poisoned the chocolate, how did they do it, and why?  Then I would proceed to throw it in the trash.  That's what 20 years of Random Acts of Cruelness will do to a person.  I've seen this played out the most at the grocery store.  I think it's because I've shopped hella times at one over the years.  It's a nightmare every single instance no matter the day, the hour, or my reason for being there.  Everyone at the grocery store is an evil bastard.  The main thing I've learned is that no one gives a f#ck when acquiring groceries.  (yes, myself included) 

So what is my point?  The point is - I am thrilled that for the next three days, I do not have to step foot into a grocery store. My sister and her family are in town for the holiday and staying at my mother's.  My mother LOVES grocery shopping AND she buys Hershey Kisses which I do not believe to be poisoned.  (errrr... I might be skipping those just in case...)  Oh and I also won't have to inhale any tainted pine cones.  Double score!


This is my mother's "pineapple turkey" centerpiece she's so incredibly proud of.  Good gawd, seriously mom?  If it wasn't for her mad cooking skillz, I don't know if I could handle the next three days.

This shit is so not cool...

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Actually, It's NOT Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

I find it rather ironic that when I turn on my favourite radio station which normally plays 60s and 70s (and they play some 50s, but I hate to admit that because I hate Elvis.  THERE. I SAID IT!!) that instead of hearing something good like Crosby, Stills and Nash or The Doors I am hearing "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas" when in fact it's not beginning to look a lot like Christmas at all.  This tomfoolery started days ago and it's not even Thanksgiving yet.  Their facebook page put out this lovely graphic saying "Greatest Holiday Hits - Playing Now!" to announce this quagmire and every comment under it was basically giving them death threats about changing the format so early.  Here were some of the NICER comments:

"not going to listen to magic until jan then...i dont want 6 weeks of christmas music...."

"Goodbye magic!! see you jan1!!"

"Is anyone at magic reading these comments? Obviously it is about their bottom line and the heck with us un-important listeners. Sprinkle a few Christmas songs here and there until 2 weeks before Christmas and then you can beat us over the head with all of those jolly songs."

"See ya later!!!"

"WHY did you bother having a listener 'POLL' if you were going to do this anyway??????? BOOOOOOOOOOO magic! "   

And then my very own -to the point- comment of,   


You think that might be a clue to you people at the radio station?  Might we have some time to choke on the wishbone from our turkey this Thursday first?  It's still 55° F and sunny here.  I'm still wearing shorts for cryin' out loud.   I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I think I would almost take listening to The King himself over listening to Christmas music this early.   And when I say The King, I'm not talking about baby Jesus here....

Here's my suggestion:  How about playing Christmas music on Christmas?  I could even go as far as Christmas Eve day.  Until then, I want to continue to break on through to the other side, thank you.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Dude, What's My Car?

I was told it this was a "senior moment".  I was told it happens to all of us.  I was given a "hehe" when I told this story to someone very close to me.  I don't see how this can be a senior moment when I am still 20(+/-) years away from LEGALLY being a senior, but I will continue with my senior moment story anyway.

I just got a new (used) car and wanted to make a copy of the key as I only have one and also because my daughter uses it quite frequently (as you know she sucks me dry in every area of my life, so I might as well just make her a copy of my car key too).  And when I say I just got a car, I mean a month ago.  Yes, it was the middle of October for sure.

I am standing there with my car key and give it to the kid behind the counter and he asks me what kind of car it is so he can find the right blank to make the copy.  Do you think I have any clue what my car is?  Nope.  Not one.  Couldn't remember what kind of car I owned.  I said, "Oh my, I forgot what kind of car I have.  I just bought it." (Lie)...  He sort of laughed (at me)?  I said again, "Oh my gosh.. I know it's a 2001!!!"  He sort of laughed again (at me this time for sure)!   He said to my son, "Hey buddy, why don't you do me a favour and run outside and check to see what kind of car your mom has!"  Oh my gawd!  How embarrassing.  I snapped at him, "NO!  I will remember!  Hold on a second!"  Still nothing is coming to mind.  I am frantically looking around the store trying to remember, looking for a clue as to what the hell kind of car I own.  All that is coming to mind is my old car. Dude, what's my car?????? I can feel the blood rushing to my face as we are all just standing there waiting for an answer to this very simple question.  I turn and ask my son (who couldn't possibly have any less interest in cars if he tried), "Do you know what kind of car it is?" ”Nope", he says.  Great...   Okay, okay, I know it's black.  I know it's a 2001....  This can't be that difficult....

Everything was going in slow motion.  I wanted to run out of the store.




Yes, this really happened.  Senior moment? You tell me.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Twinkie Terror

I don't get it.  What is everyone freaked out about with this Twinkie bullshit?  Has anyone actually eaten one of these recently or what about a HoHo for that matter?  They are disgusting.  My mother had a box of HoHos at her house for my nieces about 6 months ago, so trying to be all nostalgic I ate one with them because I hadn't in about 25 years.  My GAWD!  It didn't even work.  The chocolate broke apart (if we can even call this chocolate) and the "cake" part was dry and umm, I don't even know.  I don't think it was food.  I'm glad Hostess is going out of business.  It had to be a crime that anyone was putting this in their bodies. 

Of course, I have a daughter who is a pastry chef, so this could be why I really don't give a damn about any of it.  Who the hell would want a Twinkie or a HoHo when you could have a Lutetia Torte (Walnut sponge cake with chestnut butter cream covered in chocolate ganache!)  HOLLA!