Monday, June 3, 2013

A Latex Nightmare

The following blog post contains a lot of swearing because it is highly fucking necessary.

I'm not even sure that I can explain this well enough to be understood, but I have to get this out of my system because it's just one of those "STRANGER THAN FICTION" stories that MUST be told...

You know this has to be good if I'm writing two blog posts in one day, right?  Just agree and keep reading...  So, there is a knock at my door around 6:30 tonight and this is usually a sign that I have mail that doesn't fit in my mailbox.  My mail dude has two boxes for me along with my other mail.  I have no idea what these two boxes could be because I didn't order anything.  I look at both boxes and one is addressed to me and one is addressed to (who I thought) was my son.  Please hold tightly in your mind the word THOUGHT.  This word is key in this story.

The box addressed to my son (clear as day it IS his name) is from Canada and this makes no sense in my mind.  The other box, however, is from the MLB (major league baseball) store and so I have an idea who might have sent this one.  This is why I am confused as to why there are two boxes with one addressed to my son as the box addressed to me is from who I believe, a Canadian!  As you can see, the confusion is starting to set in my little American brain. 

Stay with me people...

I look again at the address on my (apparent) son's box and the apartment number is wrong but this has happened before, so I don't really think too much of it.  I am still wondering what could possibly be inside this box that is for my 14-year-old SON???  It's still not sinking in that anything would be sent to him from my person in Canada.  (Yes, I have people in Canada.  No need for questions.)  Having that motherly instinct, I decide to open the box myself and see what the hell it is.  Let's just say I'm glad the fuck I did.  Well, actually, no I'm not.  I'm just glad my son DIDN'T.  I see the packaging slip which reads the two items enclosed:  (And this is exact wording...)

QTY 1 - Chlorinated Latex Panties with Internal Inflatable Dildo & Anal Plug
QTY 1 - Chlorinated Latex Hood with Eyes/Nose/Mouth Holes


As you can probably imagine, I am thinking W. T. F.!   I don't think it's necessary for me to go into detail all the OTHER thoughts that ran through my motherly mind.  It wasn't pretty.  As I further investigated the situation and mind you, I did NOT unwrap any of the enclosed items, I figured out that the entire address was incorrect.  This box was for the apartment building three over from mine.  Like holy effin' SHIT.  Good gawd on this green earth.   I mean, what kind of sick joke is my mail carrier playing on me?  What am I supposed to do now?  I've opened the freakin' box.  I can't keep this box in my apartment.  I am working all day tomorrow and my son will be home alone.   I think I may have to tape the fucker back up and return it to the post office.   I hope, hope, hope I NEVER see this other creeper around here.  I thought maybe I could make it until next June going month to month after my lease was up this December, but I'm pretty sure that I am out of here come December 1st, midnight. No later.

And just for those that don't know me, I have a very common last name and my son's name is extremely common, so this wasn't like some dishonest mistake I made. I just wanted to make that clarification.

Oh and here's what came for me except I don't think I was able to enjoy it too much!
I'm still sick.

I don't normally look like this, although I am sure there are some who would beg to differ.







24 comments:

  1. um, i'm your disgusting neighbor, and i would appreciate my box of rubbers...just leave them in a brown envelope by my door with the word "goodies" printed on it.

    p.s glad you're leaving, stuck up

    ReplyDelete
  2. oh, and p.s. you don't look THAT bad if you'd rather deliver them in person after dark...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think I'll pass on that. I turn into a pumpkin after dark besides.

      Delete
  3. Oh, dear, I'd be freaking out, too! I wonder if creeper dude is wondering why his latex panties with inflatable dildos and butt plugs haven't arrived yet?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh man, I wish you knew who it was. I'd put the box by his door with a note that says, "you are going to need a bigger anal plug for an asshole that big."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's the thing - I know exactly who it is and where he lives. The address is right on the box. I think I might just take it to the apartment office and tell them it was delivered to the WRONG apartment. The VERY wrong apartment.

      Delete
  5. you really knowed a canuck? has dey melted der igloos yet? r dey still communist?

    ReplyDelete
  6. nice shirt, but would look better with JAYS on it rather than stupid INDIANS, eh? "ugly American" kind of ignorant, eh? eh?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. dear humble canadian,

      If I remember correctly, I clearly stated in a certain form of messaging system that I would be happy to wear JAYS. Apparently there was a miscommunication problem on the receiving end.

      "Ugly American" is obviously not a midwest farmer's daughter.

      Delete
  7. this is really embarrassing...but...that latex garment you mentioned...um...not sure how to put this so you'd take it the wrong way...but would you mind returning it...it's ok, i go by your son's name as a nickname but fucked up the address.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Inappropriate. The box has been redirected to the correct, sick fuck. *shivers*

      Delete
  8. Hey, I wanted to see if you wanted to collaborate on a music post sometime?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. sure, i'm into groovy and funk. :D

      Delete
    2. Kim - You might have more of an interesting outcome collaborating with Peter, here. Wait, never mind.

      Delete
  9. latex dream? from the home of rubber too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This post is about to be deleted forever. I think I'm allergic to latex.

      Delete
  10. what does someone have to do to get an LOL around here?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL!!!!!

      I was just LOL'ing at your recent weight gain. That's hawt.

      Delete
  11. Utterly shocking! I've never actually seen any for real, mind you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I haven't either. I never even touched anything but the packaging slip. YUK!

      Delete
  12. helena i believe, you not so much. as a matter of fact neither one of you seems like a mother theresa. nothing personal, but i call bull.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, I'm definitely no mother theresa, that's true, but I'm not really into latex. And remember, Peter... that package came from Canada, so I think you're the one with some explaining to do. ;)

      Delete

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