Ways to be the Hottest Cougar in Town

I know being a 'cougar' is one of the hottest things going on right now, so I'm about to give you some advice on how to make this happen.  Please, read on...

When I found out the hockey lockout was over last week, I was so freakin' happy, but then got really irritated when I realized it would be another season of me watching the games on my stupid laptop.  BUT... it dawned on me that I now own an HDTV that I did NOT own last season.  I knew there was a way to hook up my laptop so I could watch it through my fancy HDTV.

So, I headed to Staples last Friday to the computer department and ask the (young) man what I needed to get in order to make this all happen by this Saturday.  He tells me as long as I have this HDMI thing on my laptop and my TV, I just need one connector cable.  I know that I have this, so I am basically good to go.  I did not purchase this cable because Staples is outrageous in price and ended up ordering it from Ebay instead.  It's on its way.  YESSSSSSSSSS!  I shall have hockey on my TV.

This, of course, has nothing to do with becoming a hot cougar.  I just love hockey.  So, I will move on to the good part you've been reading this for.  When I was talking to him about the cable, he was telling me that he has done this whole HDMI laptop to TV thing for quite some time now and has been enjoying all his shows for a few years and doesn't have any need for cable.  I was thinking, 'wow, how cool... I could really love NOT having cable considering my bill just went up like $30...' and I said to him "But wait... how do you watch the...... newwwsssss" and at that very moment, as soon as I said the word "news" I knew that this 20-something-year-old probably never watched the news in his life.  Then before he could answer I said, "I bet you don't watch the news...", to which he replied,  "No, I don't watch it too often." as he laughed.   How very considerate of him to be so kind as to say he doesn't watch it TOO OFTEN as in NEVER as in WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT (old) LADY?

"Thanks for your help.  I have to go take my Metamucil now."

And I left.

Open Mouth: Insert Rest of Body

I don't normally talk to other people in waiting rooms.  I don't normally talk to other people.  Where I live people generally don't talk to one another.  There is a good reason for this.  We're just crabby up north and if you are friendly, then there is obviously something wrong with you.  Yesterday, however, I forgot this rule.  When I am with my daughter, she puts me in a different state of mind.  She is quite the friendly little thing and I am pretty sure this is due to the fact that she is 20-years-young and life has not yet jacked her ass.

Yesterday we were in the waiting room of the gynecologist's office.  No, we don't normally do this sort of thing together, but I had nothing going on and said I'd tag along for company.  Big mistake.  In the waiting room, there were the two of us, a lady across from us, a girl about to pop, and another woman across the room.  Out walks a woman from the back area holding what looked like an ultrasound picture.  Now, in my defense, she was smiling and handed the image to the other woman sitting waaay across the room from us (the person waiting for her).  She also looked very pregnant (thinking back, this is even more disturbing....).  So me, trying to be friendly for once in my life said, "Oh, is that an ultrasound of your baby?" to which she replied, "No, it's an ultrasound of my fibroid tumor." 

Oh.................. f#uuuuuuuuuuck.

She then asked me if I knew what fibroid tumors were.  Oh f#uck, lady.  You really aren't going to go into details with me, are you?  I turned to my daughter for support, but found none when she said, "That's not quite the same thing..." while shaking her head 'no' at me.  I've now completely turned in the opposite direction of the woman while trying to crawl under my chair in hopes that death would reign upon me. My daughter, on the other hand, is still shaking her head at me trying not to laugh and failing miserably.

I am usually not this insensitive to women in this situation because I do realize there are those that do not want or can't have children.  I try my best not to assume such things, but when she came out smiling, I forgot all of that and the question just came out.  And, again, she looked pregnant, but now I realize that big ol' belly was an enormous tumor.  Ouch.


And if you're wondering if anyone else in the waiting room said anything?  Nope.  Not one person looked at me or said anything.  It was the most deafening silence I've ever heard in my life.  I am such a winner!

Oh, is that an ultrasound of your tumor?