Friday, December 28, 2012

Open Mouth: Insert Rest of Body

I don't normally talk to other people in waiting rooms.  I don't normally talk to other people.  Where I live people generally don't talk to one another.  There is a good reason for this.  We're just crabby up north and if you are friendly, then there is obviously something wrong with you.  Yesterday, however, I forgot this rule.  When I am with my daughter, she puts me in a different state of mind.  She is quite the friendly little thing and I am pretty sure this is due to the fact that she is 20-years-young and life has not yet jacked her ass.

Yesterday we were in the waiting room of the gynecologist's office.  No, we don't normally do this sort of thing together, but I had nothing going on and said I'd tag along for company.  Big mistake.  In the waiting room, there were the two of us, a lady across from us, a girl about to pop, and another woman across the room.  Out walks a woman from the back area holding what looked like an ultrasound picture.  Now, in my defense, she was smiling and handed the image to the other woman sitting waaay across the room from us (the person waiting for her).  She also looked very pregnant (thinking back, this is even more disturbing....).  So me, trying to be friendly for once in my life said, "Oh, is that an ultrasound of your baby?" to which she replied, "No, it's an ultrasound of my fibroid tumor." 

Oh.................. f#uuuuuuuuuuck.

She then asked me if I knew what fibroid tumors were.  Oh f#uck, lady.  You really aren't going to go into details with me, are you?  I turned to my daughter for support, but found none when she said, "That's not quite the same thing..." while shaking her head 'no' at me.  I've now completely turned in the opposite direction of the woman while trying to crawl under my chair in hopes that death would reign upon me. My daughter, on the other hand, is still shaking her head at me trying not to laugh and failing miserably.

I am usually not this insensitive to women in this situation because I do realize there are those that do not want or can't have children.  I try my best not to assume such things, but when she came out smiling, I forgot all of that and the question just came out.  And, again, she looked pregnant, but now I realize that big ol' belly was an enormous tumor.  Ouch.

And if you're wondering if anyone else in the waiting room said anything?  Nope.  Not one person looked at me or said anything.  It was the most deafening silence I've ever heard in my life.  I am such a winner!

Oh, is that an ultrasound of your tumor?


  1. OMG, you had me literally laughing out loud reading this! I know it was quite embarrassing for you, but you are my hero right now for surviving that!! And I got your message about you mailing me the stickers and extra surprises today, you're awesome!!

    1. At least I get to be someone's hero out of the thrashing I took. (self-inflicted, of course)

      Can't wait until you get my mail. I am going to go out on a limb and say about 4 days to Cali. Boo! That's so long! It will be worth it, I think :)

  2. I have foot in mouth disease pretty bad myself. Sometimes. The most sensitive times, apparently. I also have a horrible habit of laughing at absolutely the wrong times - or turning red in the face in order to NOT laugh at the wrong times. I seriously think it's some bizarre form of Tourette's or something.


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