2012: A Year of Migraines, Eye Twitching and Spinning Rooms

I lied.  It wasn't the full year. I've had migraines on and off forever, but the vertigo, eye twitching, numbness, and a plethora of other weird things going has only been as recent as July.  So, that's half of 2012.  Regardless, it has just SUCKED.  Do they know what it is???  Supposedly ATYPICAL migraines.  Gee... clever diagnosis, assholes.

I'm not looking for sympathy; I am just looking for money to help me pay for some pain killers. From what I remember, they were hella cheaper 20 years ago.  I'm not sure who these kids think they are, but I'm not paying $10 for one pain pill.  I can go buy an entire bottle of wine for $5.99 and be passed out in two hours.  Jerks.

If I have to pick the best thing that happened in 2012, I would say it was the evening of November 6th at approximately 11:14 p.m. EST. (Shout out to Ohio for making it official!)  Why, you ask?  Because at that time I knew that for the next four years, I would still be able to say that Barack Obama is my President.  Thank the Presidential Election Gawds above!  Good heavens, I can't even imagine what things would be like right now if..... nope, I can't even bear the thought.  *shiver* I still cringe whenever I hear America The Beautiful.  It's forever tainted now by willard.  Not that I liked the song before, but still...

On that note, I am off to watch The Twilight Zone Marathon as I do every New Year's.  Without Dick Clark doing the countdown tonight, it's going to be very bittersweet.  However, after the last several years of watching him suffer through it, I'm kind of glad he's resting in peace.  Somewhere at midnight, he'll be doing the countdown like a champ!  Go DICK Go! 

Happy Effin' New Year, everyone.  May 2013 be less shitty than 2012!

Here's a Good Idea - Pour Milk Over Your Head

I posted awhile back a video of a mom and son doing The Cinnamon Challenge which did have its semi-funny results.  After reading the book Choke by Chuck Palahniuk, I have a different perspective of people choking now, so I lean more to being open about 'the cinnamon challenge' being funny instead of stupid.  No doubt it was highly stupid, but funny if I am in the right mood for stupidity.

There was also "Planking" for the severely bored (board?). I didn't really get that one.  I guess the ones that were a bit more daredevilish were sort of interesting, but mostly I found the images to be rather mundane.  I guess some skill is involved.  I think I'd actually be pretty good at it because I played "Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board" all the time at slumber parties.

I guess when planking become boring, they upped the ante to "Batmanning".  I will assume this is obvious as to what it means, but if not, here is a picture.  In my opinion, this was straight up stolen from The Lost Boys.  I call ULTRA-BULLSHIT.

Then when batmanning wasn't enough, "Owling" came along in its place.  Seriously?   Well, you already know my feelings about owls at the present time.  

But, I think things have progressed (regressed...) to a new low.  At least in the previous ones, they were somewhat entertaining and I only say that because some of them had interesting scenery.  However, this new one is just f#cking dumb.  It's called "Milking".  If you're not sure what this one is, don't worry it doesn't have anything to do with cows.  This is how it works:

1.  Stand in front of a camera and dump a carton of milk over your head.

2. Wait for internet fame.

I have to admit that I am truly grateful this was not started by Americans.  It was started in Britain by some students protesting tuition hikes.  (Makes perfect sense to me!)  Americans are already dumb enough so we don't need any further publicity on that end of the spectrum.  Besides that, if we fall over this cliff they're talking about, gallons of milk are going to be anywhere from $6 to $9 come the middle of January.  I don't have that kind of money to become famous.

Open Mouth: Insert Rest of Body

I don't normally talk to other people in waiting rooms.  I don't normally talk to other people.  Where I live people generally don't talk to one another.  There is a good reason for this.  We're just crabby up north and if you are friendly, then there is obviously something wrong with you.  Yesterday, however, I forgot this rule.  When I am with my daughter, she puts me in a different state of mind.  She is quite the friendly little thing and I am pretty sure this is due to the fact that she is 20-years-young and life has not yet jacked her ass.

Yesterday we were in the waiting room of the gynecologist's office.  No, we don't normally do this sort of thing together, but I had nothing going on and said I'd tag along for company.  Big mistake.  In the waiting room, there were the two of us, a lady across from us, a girl about to pop, and another woman across the room.  Out walks a woman from the back area holding what looked like an ultrasound picture.  Now, in my defense, she was smiling and handed the image to the other woman sitting waaay across the room from us (the person waiting for her).  She also looked very pregnant (thinking back, this is even more disturbing....).  So me, trying to be friendly for once in my life said, "Oh, is that an ultrasound of your baby?" to which she replied, "No, it's an ultrasound of my fibroid tumor." 

Oh.................. f#uuuuuuuuuuck.

She then asked me if I knew what fibroid tumors were.  Oh f#uck, lady.  You really aren't going to go into details with me, are you?  I turned to my daughter for support, but found none when she said, "That's not quite the same thing..." while shaking her head 'no' at me.  I've now completely turned in the opposite direction of the woman while trying to crawl under my chair in hopes that death would reign upon me. My daughter, on the other hand, is still shaking her head at me trying not to laugh and failing miserably.

I am usually not this insensitive to women in this situation because I do realize there are those that do not want or can't have children.  I try my best not to assume such things, but when she came out smiling, I forgot all of that and the question just came out.  And, again, she looked pregnant, but now I realize that big ol' belly was an enormous tumor.  Ouch.


And if you're wondering if anyone else in the waiting room said anything?  Nope.  Not one person looked at me or said anything.  It was the most deafening silence I've ever heard in my life.  I am such a winner!

Oh, is that an ultrasound of your tumor?

Winter Solstice Gets the Shaft

The shortest day of the year gets the shaft today.  Doomsday 12.21.12 has obviously not happened.  Great, now I really do have to pay for that Kindle Fire I just purchased for my son.

For those of us who do not really get that overwhelming xmas 'feeling', I guess this must be our day.  Starting tomorrow the days will get longer...   wait... who the hell wants longer days? 

Either way, I hope everyone has a beautiful, enchanting, winter solstice celebration by doing whatever it is one does to celebrate.  Perhaps you can make this recipe and enjoy an evening getting smashed on some wassail.  Start anytime.  It's 5 o'clock somewhere. 

Solstice Wassail

INGREDIENTS
 

2 pints and 1/4 cup brown ale or winter ale
 

3 or 4 cinnamon sticks
 

4 cloves
 

Zest from half a lemon
 

4 apples
 

1 1/2 cups brown sugar
 

1 cup port
 

1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
 

1/4 teaspoon ground all spice
 

1/4 teaspoon ground cardamom
 

1/2 teaspoon ground ginger

Brandy until you get drunk (optional, but I don't see why you wouldn't)

______________________________

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 350° F.

In a large saucepan, pour in two pints of ale. Add the cinnamon sticks, lemon zest and cloves and bring to a simmer over low heat.

Score apples around their circumferences with a knife. Place in a baking dish. Cover with 1 cup brown sugar, 1/4 cup of ale and all of the port. Cover baking dish and place in oven, cooking for 30 minutes.

While apples are baking, place remaining sugar and spices into the saucepan, ensuring it’s well mixed.

When apples are done baking, place entire contents of baking dish into saucepan. Allow to cook over a low heat for another 30–40 minutes.

Adding Brandy is always a holiday spirit "lifter" (umm, yeah.)

Serve hot in 6-8 mugs.  

Drink until you don't care about the long day of a hangover you will have tomorrow.

 

Seasons of Joy(lessness)

This is a season of joylessness.  I just love seasons of joy because anyone that knows me knows how much I love being joyful and seasons that involve that.  I thought that I would come up with the top 9 things that bring me joy because 8 wouldn't be enough.

There's so much joy below, I couldn't possibly go in any particular order...

9)  Rudolph Car Decorations
I don't even have the words to describe what I thought when I saw this for the first time.  The joy I felt just exuded from my insides.  Speechless really.  I had to post a picture for full effect. 

8)  Bell Ringers in Front of the Grocery Store Blocking all Entrances Behind the Scented Pine Cones 
It brings me great joy that not only am I on my way to spend ridiculous amounts of money on groceries to feed my son who eats everything in sight leaving me no leftovers EVER, but I have to fight my way through the Bell Ringers who block both entrances and then merrily say 'Merry Christmas'.  They are always so joyful which makes me feel joyful.  I never feel guilty or awkward walking past them not dropping in change or bills I am not carrying on me.

7)  Accidentally Being in the Wrong Lane in Front of the Mall
This brings me so much joy because I prefer to miss my turn, having to go out of my way at least a mile which only takes about 20 minutes and then come back in front of the mall when I didn't actually mean to be there in the first place.  This is like a little adventure, a small road trip or what I like to call the "scenic route".  Good times!

6)  Kids and Their Ever-Changing Minds
I love the joy of having just spent $199 on a Kindle Fire after you asked your son 292837293874239487 times what he wants for xmas and replies, "I don't know" 292837293874239487 back only to say "Hey, I just thought of something I wanted!"... Oh the joy I got in saying, "Too bad, sucka.  I already got your present." 

5)  Hummers, Singers and Whistlers
There is so much joy in shopping and listening to hummers, singers and whistlers in the same aisle as me.  I love it.  You can't imagine what I'm thinking inside when someone next to me by the sour cream is singing "Do You Hear What I Hear???"

4)  My Drunk Brother and His Girlfriend Who Hates Me
It will bring me joy on xmas day when... wait.........

3)  Hallmark Xmas Movies
These movies are nothing but pure joy.  None of them are the same storyline.  They all have exceptional actors.  They are on 24/7 which is great because you can watch them at any time during the day or night.  The plots are so fascinating and original and...the best of all???  They NEVER repeat the same one twice, especially right in a row.

2)  Colorized Version of "It's a Wonderful Life"
I just love how real it looks.  Instant joy. It doesn't take away from the film at all.  I wasn't too thrilled the other day when I went to go buy a copy of it and found that it included the original black and white version, too.  I'm not sure why they did that.  I'll probably just toss that one out.  They didn't just have a colored version to purchase.  I *HAD* to buy it as a set... for $24!  I think selling it with the black and white version is just a ploy.

1)  Home Shopping Network
Actually, this one does bring me a shit-ton of joy... for real.  No lines, no parking of cars, no people... It's the only way I shop.  I thought I better throw a real joy in the list.  I'm really not as grouchy as I sound.  I'm much, much worse.  ;O

I'm Going to be Late. I Robbed Myself.

I was thinking back to my earlier years in life when I wasn't very responsible and didn't really know the meaning of "work ethics".  I was working at a 7-Eleven in a relatively bad neighborhood and going to work was not really my top priority for two main reasons.  The first reason is that I was 19-years-old and I partied pretty much every night. Getting up to make it to work by 11AM was a joke.  The second reason is that because I lived in a realllly bad neighborhood and had no vehicle at the time, going to work was a gamble.  I had a 50/50 chance of making it there alive. 

I remember one morning I had a killer hangover.  That day, I had to be at work at 7AM and not my normal start time of 11AM.   I had already used every excuse imaginable to call off in the past.  I only needed more sleep that day... just a few hours and I'd be okay.  I knew that I couldn't call off the entire shift because I had just called off a week before. (Gawd, I was a terrible employee!) Looking back, I am surprised that I had not been fired.  I suppose I hadn't because the turn-over rate in employees was pretty much daily.  I guess that if you called off, but still came to work within the next day or two, they were happy.

It's like 6:45... I'm thinking, thinking, thinking... and thinking this early in the morning is very difficult when you have a hangover.  I came up with the perfect story.  I knew it was perfect because no one used it that I knew of since I had been working there.  I WAS ROBBED! (Obviously I was robbed of anymore good excuses, too...)  I lived in a shitty neighborhood and certainly it would be believable.  It totally worked. 

I was only late four hours and got to sleep off my hangover.  I probably could have used it for the whole day.  I think I felt slightly guilty though and probably mulled over karma for a minute or two. My shift manager felt so bad for me.  She even bought my lunch that day when I got to work.  This was a bonus since I had no money to buy food because I was not working from calling off so much. 

 I just wonder if I am the only one who has ever had
 bad no work ethics in their younger days?